I want to give up... but I can’t because it’s mandatory.

NOTE: Not naming the company or anything else due to legal reason (and i don't want to be hunted down). And if you are going to take this post down, take down Evan Edinger's Vlog about his failed job interviews first then go talk to me.

Sup guys, Cutiejea here

I'm now at an all time low now (Not referencing the band... I'm just feeling upset). Why you may ask. I just now realised that my dreams and goals are probably never ever gonna come true and if it did... well, I may have to leave the country or something. IDK... I'm just feeling a bit negative.

You see, last month, I posted how time was moving really fast for me since I have internship interview and I'm about to reach second semester of university and stuff like that but life decided to press the breaks for me and I didn't get the internship... or even get interviewed for that matter.

Yes, the company that wanted to interview me... they canceled 1 HOUR before the interview. Why? Because at 1:25, the person saw me with my dad and thought 'oh she doesn't look independent, let's cancel on her!' (BTW, my interview starts at 3pm). So at 2pm when I'm at KFC with my dad and brother, I got a text and call saying that they found someone already. My dad thought it was not fair that he decided to text the company.

That's when we discovered that it was because he came with me when WE WERE FINDING OUT WHERE IT WAS!!! It's not like my dad will enter with me, we we're just finding out where it was.

From that point, I felt too upset to do things. I was at my part-time job and I got extra shifts due to people quitting and one is a co-worker who is gonna have a part time job in a finance company (which accommodates to her course). I have a uni classmate who also got a part time job. And my cousin got an internship in a hospital since it's part of his course.

I guess everyone is getting long term paid/beneficial experiences while for me, I'm stuck doing volunteer work which I don't mind doing but I can't just be doing volunteer work forever.
What’s worse is that Internships are mandatory in my university so I fear I can’t graduate due to this.

If I compare my life with my cousins and the people around me who are at the same age as me, it shows that I'm way left behind... like way back. My channel isn't getting anywhere, no one wants to accept me (and I applied to nearly 30 jobs) and by this point, I feel like giving up.

I don't want to give up thou since I love doing what I do but I'm 18, I need to get paid or at least have long-term experience based on my skills, not picking up small scraps of jobs that I can grab.

I was warned that there is not many position in the industry that I want to enter and I convinced myself that I can still do it. That's why I made my channel, to prove my worth. I made videos using 2 giant pieces of cloth bought from Lincraft. I own a DLSR camera since I know it's one step closer to good quality content but at the same time, I can't afford the programs they expect me to use. I can't afford AVID, I have absolutely no idea how to use After Effects and Wordpress is still a giant issue for me. I want to learn these things but I can't access the free membership in Linda.com.

So I'm still lost.

I feel that my passions should just be forgotten and that I should let them go. I mean, they want other people but me, besides the fact that I create amazing things out of my ipad, made a hashtag trend of a short time and stuff like that.

I just wish there is just someone out there who saw my stuff and is willing to lend me a hand or a job or a recommendation or something. But until then, I just have to keep applying to these jobs who wants someone else for the role.

And if I do get the interview, I have to get used to wearing a stupid skirt and boots just too look appealing, only to get rejected for stupid reasons.

My name is Cutiejea and this has been my Life out of the Camera.

Moving too Fast

Sup lovely people, Cutiejea here!

This month, lots of things are happening... like a lot. AND IT'S HAPPENING TOO FAST!!!

For starters, TATINOF is happening in Australia this August and as admin for Phandom Aus/NZ on Twitter and Tumblr, we got a lot of questions and people literally expect us to answer all the questions. We managed to give the best advice thou.

Also... we made #RowPals a trend for a short time

Another is that I'm about to enter second semester of University so god knows what's gonna happen to me and my future. I saw one of my subjects and I got near credit for it! Which is really cool in my book!

Third is that I got an internship interview and I got accepted to do volunteer cinematographer work for Smash (the Anime convention). And I'm soo excited since I'm about to get some experience... except it's for free (BUT IM GETTING PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE!!!)

So many things are so many going on with my life that it's all happening too fast.

This is really cool but also really scary.

The reason for that is the fact that I'm scared that I may not be ready for all this change. I'm just a kid (well, technically 18 years old so an adult) but I'm going to face my future and adulthood in a really fast pace that it scares me that I may screw up, that I'm doing too many things. I just want things to slow down.

This was me when I got my VIP ticket and I'm still surprised I managed to get one:

People both offline and online think I have potential and that I'm very reliable and stuff and I'm cool with that. People thank me for working late hours and working hard just to get stuff done and I'm happy to do that. But the main question is... when was the last time I had a break?

One of my greatest wishes besides meeting my heroes and passing uni and hopefully moving out (sorry family), is to be able to have a break from everything for at least a week, which never happened. Just one week of doing whatever I want. No Phandom Aus/NZ, no work, no school, no parents nagging... just me and my laptop with internet where I can catch up on whatever I want.

Unfortunately, that's too much to ask and it will never happen. Well, it was close from happening if I was permitted to go to Vidcon 2016. The plan was go to USA for a week for Vidcon and other stuff like sightseeing and stuff. No parents, no chaos, just me and what I have for a 1 week break of life itself.

But I guess that's too much to wish for I guess which I quite understand... since once again, I'm just a kid.

But yeah, I still yearn for that 1 week break from life.

My name is Cutiejea and this has been my Life Out of the Camera

PS: D-3 Section 4!!! (and i accidentally got 2 gold tickets so that means my mum is coming with me!)

My Anonymous Phase

Note, everything here is based on opinion and expression. If you take me down, then you are proving the point of this post.

So... you know how when something bad happens to you, you go through an 'anger' stage where you will do/think something that will count as 'revenge' or 'fighting back' from the source of said anger? For me, this may sound weird but there was a time where I was considering joining Anonymous... or just support them in any way possible.

If you don't know, anonymous is this hacking group where they try to bring justice and equality to society, stopping the '1% who play God without permission' (Mr Robot, 2015). They are not a government party but an idea according to them. Basically, they want to restore balance to society as everything is filled with conflict and inequality like poverty and the unfair law system (according to them).

And you may be asking, why the [bleep] do I want to join anonymous? Why does someone like me want to be involved in this 'idea'? And how the heck did I ever heard of this group of people wearing 'V for Vendetta' Masks? 

The reasons begins when I was forced to delete my channel.

That one reason brought me not only to my 'depression / my life is over' phase but I was awakened by the injustice the people who were involved to take me down just because I had a voice. I was expressing myself through my rants and vlogs about my life and the fact that I was forced to delete my most popular videos then my channel and it got me really upset. One of the videos I was forced to put down was a video about 'Why I hated my preliminary exams' as SiTC 2014 was happening, TRXYE by Troye Sivan and 'Better Late than Never' by Stuck in Your Radio has been released ON THE SAME DAY and Season 8 of Doctor Who just premiered on TV! That's basically it, besides the fact I ranted about how hard my subjects are. Another video I was forced to take down was me singing 'Narda' by Kamikazee during an event 'on location' and lastly, I was forced to take down a video about how you give revenge to your ex by showing you are better off without him during the healing process. Yes... I was forced to take down this HARMLESS video for the vulnerable people on Valentines day, motivating them to not be miserable.

By this point, you should have a clue on who forced me to take down my channel. These people told me that doing this 'can ruin my reputation' or 'make me not have a job' and I have to 'suck up and accept the whole thing'. I want to point out that there are famous youtubers doing the same thing and they have like millions of subscribers. 

These people took my character the wrong way and forced me to take down my videos. My rants are similar to Danisnotonfire mashed up with I Hate Everything but they took everything literally and got really offensive. I told this to my peer group and there was a divide on who is right and wrong.

This memory still haunts me whenever I view my 'about' page in my YouTube channel as I'm no longer a legacy user.

I first went emo. I've been listening to Muse, My Chemical Romance, Panic! At the Disco and Fall Out Boy constantly. I was very upset at school that if someone mentions what happened, I would end up 'blowing up', telling them to shut up as I can tell they have a part on taking me down (or just blantly accuse them)

But then I heard about Anonymous and how their goal is to restore order for the voice with no voice, with no power... and I am one of those people with no power during my fragile moments. I was treated unequally for injustice reasons. I was forced to remain silent till I graduate and finish HSC and for that... I can't say what I want to feel because 'I will be hunted down and thrown my ass in jail!' (Pyscho, Muse, 2014).

I know Anonymous is more on stopping the government but their main goal is stopping oppression to the 99% with no voice... and I want part of that. I wanted to fight back with the torment I was given during my darkest hour.

To me... Anonymous was my hope as I was already tired with the rules that I was forced to follow. (Yeah... I have a dark side).

But I know I have no chance in being in this group because I have no idea how to hack, heck, I don't even know how to code in my Tumblr page for pete sakes. 

So as usual, that idea is to me 'something that I would consider in an alternate timeline'. But recently, I just watched this TV show called 'Mr Robot' due to a university assignment and watching that brought back memories of me wanting to support the group.

Maybe this poster will help explain why:

Mr Robot is about this guy named Eliot who is a hacker who was chosen by this hacker group called F Society (this is the actual name, I'm not censoring anything here). The goal, take down E Corp (or Evil Corp) through hacking their systems and destroying their backups so that they can take down the 1% who play God without permission.

When I first saw this, my first impression was 'Ooh, the guy is bug eyed'... I'm not joking, here is the ACTUAL Facebook convo I had when discussing about this:

I watched the entire season 1 in 3 days (#suchprocrastination) but knowing their motives and the story and everything else, it brought me back to that phase of defying the people in control cuz... f*** society. And Mr Robot wasn't the first who made me express my anger of society, Muse's album 'Drones' was like a drug for me. I've been listening to all of their songs in that album (along with a few others) as the songs are about defying order. The 2015 film Straight Out of Compton also triggered this as its about how their 'art' is being threatened by the authorities. I even got in to My Chemical Romance due to the same reasons. The songs that I constantly listen from them are Destroya, I'm Not Ok, Welcome to the Black Parade, Teenagers and Kids From Yesterday.

Can you see the connections here? All are about defying order, being yourself no matter how many push and take you down, breaking the rules due to it's injustice.

What I'm saying is that, I'm not part of Anonymous, I don't think I'm worthy to be part of them but their motives on breaking social order and rebuilding it for the little people is something I support. I'm tired of being shut down for having a voice and an opinion. Just because I said one thing doesn't mean I'm that, this is just me expressing how I cope from being annoyed with the bullshit treatment I was given.

So  I will repeat this, everything here is based on opinion and expression. If you take me down, then you are proving the point of this post.

Am I the only one who felt like this? Were there times when you questioned the system and authority? Oh well.

So my name is Cutiejea and this has been my Life out of the Camera!

Growing Up

Sup guys, Cutiejea here!

So, if you subscribed to my channel or any of my social medias, you may have heard that I'm now officially 18 years old! This basically means I'm an adult in my family and in the Philippines but in Australia, the official adult age is 21 (18 is the legal age but everyone is more inclined to 21 years old being the official adult age).

Here is the video talking about what I've learned in 18 years of existence (Uploaded on my birthday):

So it's been a few days since my time as an adult and I have to say... it kinda boring (but how should I know, it's still my holidays!)

Today's blog thou is about growing up and how there are some parts of your life you tend to keep, move on and decide if it should be part of you or not.

Ever since I reached this point in life, I've been doing a bit of spring cleaning within myself and started doing stuff that I never knew I was capable on doing (I don't <bleeping> care if it's summer). For starters, I've decided to be a total 'girl' and start to buy my own clothes for university, my commitments on learning the ukulele is still growing strong and there are other parts of my life that I've first considered odd for me to do but I did wind up enjoying it (An example is me swimming in the beach where most of the time, I would never enjoy it! Now, as long it's in Bondi, I will consider swimming with a bodyboard).

But there are also parts of me that I feel like letting go. An example this this old website I made. Sure, I may keep it running but I have thoughts of deleting the site and updating around 20 videos, removing the link in the description. Another is my love for gaming. It's not my fault, my laptop can no longer run the games made these days since it's 32 bit!

But even if I feel 'grown up', there will be times where I will act like a kid and it will piss off others since they expect me to be more mature and how can I since my 2 of my role models are like 28 - 29 years old and they act like kids!

I hate that the idea of growing up is for you to be 'very mature' and 'not make any mistakes' or 'be conformed to society' and all that jazz and it annoys me since I still want to goof off! I still want to make silly mistakes that people consider to be 'You cant do that since you're 18!'. Does it look like I give a flying <bleep>?!

I know there will be a time where I will have to let go of being a kid and just grow up but if you do lose your childhood, you will lose the part of you that makes you happy, that tiny part of you that clings you to what made you... well YOU! And this is where doing what you love comes in as if you still have that tiny 1% of your childhood in your life, then you know that you're not becoming a brainless sheep. Yes, there will be times where you will have to let go of things or decide if it should still be part of your life but in the end, whatever you decide will be the cause on how you feel about life in the future.

I end this blog post with a quote from Dan Howell from The Amazing Book is not on Fire 'I guess I just want to say, this thing we've created - is ephemeral*' (Ephemeral = Momentary).

So you guys have the choice if you want to grow up, remain a kid forever or do both! For me, it's both but I also have to mature in order to survive but I still need to retain that part of me that kept me going which is my innocence.

So my name is Cutiejea and this has been my Life Out of the Camera.

The ATAR and my past and future

So... I'm back and this time, for a blog about the ATAR (aka: the rank needed just to have a guaranteed entry to university) and how the missing experiences from my past is somehow reflected to my rank. For this blog, I will not say the names of the universities as I may end up in trouble.

So at 9 am (or for my case... 8:57 am), I got my rank and before all of this, people tell me 'Go get that good ATAR' or 'a High ATAR = Better future'. I'm not joking, when you reach like late year 7 - early year 8, everyone will brainwash you saying getting that high rank equals happy life and from there, that kinda got stuck in my mind.

Yesterday, I got my marks and I went to 5 ATAR calculators to predict my rank. All said 63.70. Today, I got 62.90.

So when I got my rank... I'm not saying it's a bad rank but it's decent enough to get me into ONE university. I'm not joking... out of god knows how many universities are there, I can only get into one... well, I can do private college but... best not to comment about that.

My grades thou were decent... I mean, Band 4's and 1 Band 5... that's amazing but if your subjects are low scaling and had unsupportive people who tell you 'YouTube is where rapist/strangers can find you' back in 2008 before you even made an account and had literally have no idea what you wanted to be till the end of year 11, that's when you know you kinda fucked up your life.

I didn't know I wanted to work in media, my ENTIRE family were pushing me to the teaching degree and whenever I ask stuff like 'How do you make a website' cuz someone in your family made their own successful website, they ended up avoiding it. And again, I was given an intervention about me being banned from going into YouTube because I watch 'Who killed Captain Rockhopper' and a bunch of Club Penguin fan fic videos that they think that working in media/doing something creative means rape or something bad, you know that there is something missing in your life... like you haven't found who you truly are in the required age. Due to this, I did subjects irrelevant to the course I actually wanted.

If I can go back in time, these are the subjects I would have done:

• Advanced English
• Music 1
• Design and Technology
• SOR 1U (I was from a catholic school so this is mandatory)
• VET Entertainment
• Visual Art

At least with these subjects, I could have received MORE bonus points than the subjects I have now.

And to everyone just going to say to me 'But what's done is done' and all that bullshit, I just want to say shut up for one second as there are many things I wanted to do in the past that I was forbidden or unselected to experience. I could have created a YouTube channel in 2008 or made my own website blog in the age of 7 but I was sheltered because my family thinks some rapist will find me or I will end up dead.

Sometimes, I wonder if everyone was just goddam supportive about this... like they would just tell me how they made these things and so on instead of pulling me away from this because I bet, when I enter university, everyone has high quality DSLR with long experience while I'm just the girl who records stuff with an iPad!

So overall, what I want to say to the people who are about to embark on the same journey, my tip of advice for you is to fully figure out what you want to do or who you want to be before year 11 starts. If you wanted to make a youtube channel at the age of 6... GO FOR IT since Troye Sivan did it and he's now a famous pop star! Want to be an adventurer, do it!

I know I can't blame my past for all of this but I would have been nice if I had some support in a young age rather than people worrying that I'll get rape just because I go to a website where I can watch videos.

Overall... just do what you love doing, if people are pushing you away, then just push forward as if someone told me this in the past, then maybe my future would have been very different.

This is Cutiejea and this is life out of the camera.

Graduation

Hello my fellow readers,

Today is a special kind of blog as it talks about the concept of graduation (basically, if you are reading this, you must already know that I'm a graduate).

For me, I really wanted to graduate, like I really hated my final year of school due to issues that still to this point I'm not allowed to explain. To me, graduating means I'm close to get out of the year 2015 as it was the sh**iest year I ever had in my whole life. I was hoping that once I'm out... I'm out.

But there was something different during my graduation that kinda make me cherish the remain moments of school. First was graduation day where everyone... (And I mean everyone) is all like 'I can't believe we're here!' and my reaction is all like 'I know right!'. Then you see your teachers in a special graduation robe that symbolises their educational status they've achieved and it varies from what University they came from.

Then you have the usual graduation stuff... nothing new.

Unlike the American system, there was no throwing of hats and such since we had no hats. Instead, we all walked (then ran) outside and more yelling of 'We Did It!' (Something you would expect from Dora the explorer)

Then came the formal.

I will not talk about the preparation as that will be for a future video (its a funny story actually) but I will talk about what happened and what you need to be aware off.

First, if you have an ex, you better find the FIRST available guy (or girl or friend) you see! It does not matter if what you get is your best friend or the weird guy at the back of the class or the guy you hardly know... you need to stay away from that ex (especially if how you and your ex met is through as dance partners). Reason being is that it will bring back those painful memories that you have spent months on trying to forget!

Next... you better be prepared to dance for 4 - 6 hours straight! Yeah there are breaks but lets face it, you are one of those people who doesn't want to be left out!

Basically, I just danced like a sim!

No matter how tired you are or dehydrated... YOU NEED TO DANCE!!! Who knows... you may find your inner disco... or robot... or chicken.

Next is the fact that you will have to pray to all the deities in the world that you and anyone else ARENT WEARING THE SAME THING!!! And I don't mean just the dress, I mean the hair, the nails, shoes... the works. To be honest, a friend of mine and I were soo close on having the same hairstyle.

Overall, my graduation week was great! I managed to enjoy the remaining moments of school and now... I have to work my butt off to pass the finals.

My name is Cutiejea and this has been life out of the camera!