Sunday, 3 July 2016

I want to give up... but I can’t because it’s mandatory.

NOTE: Not naming the company or anything else due to legal reason (and i don't want to be hunted down). And if you are going to take this post down, take down Evan Edinger's Vlog about his failed job interviews first then go talk to me.

Sup guys, Cutiejea here

I'm now at an all time low now (Not referencing the band... I'm just feeling upset). Why you may ask. I just now realised that my dreams and goals are probably never ever gonna come true and if it did... well, I may have to leave the country or something. IDK... I'm just feeling a bit negative.

You see, last month, I posted how time was moving really fast for me since I have internship interview and I'm about to reach second semester of university and stuff like that but life decided to press the breaks for me and I didn't get the internship... or even get interviewed for that matter.

Yes, the company that wanted to interview me... they canceled 1 HOUR before the interview. Why? Because at 1:25, the person saw me with my dad and thought 'oh she doesn't look independent, let's cancel on her!' (BTW, my interview starts at 3pm). So at 2pm when I'm at KFC with my dad and brother, I got a text and call saying that they found someone already. My dad thought it was not fair that he decided to text the company.

That's when we discovered that it was because he came with me when WE WERE FINDING OUT WHERE IT WAS!!! It's not like my dad will enter with me, we we're just finding out where it was.

From that point, I felt too upset to do things. I was at my part-time job and I got extra shifts due to people quitting and one is a co-worker who is gonna have a part time job in a finance company (which accommodates to her course). I have a uni classmate who also got a part time job. And my cousin got an internship in a hospital since it's part of his course.

I guess everyone is getting long term paid/beneficial experiences while for me, I'm stuck doing volunteer work which I don't mind doing but I can't just be doing volunteer work forever.

What’s worse is that Internships are mandatory in my university so I fear I can’t graduate due to this.

If I compare my life with my cousins and the people around me who are at the same age as me, it shows that I'm way left behind... like way back. My channel isn't getting anywhere, no one wants to accept me (and I applied to nearly 30 jobs) and by this point, I feel like giving up.

I don't want to give up thou since I love doing what I do but I'm 18, I need to get paid or at least have long-term experience based on my skills, not picking up small scraps of jobs that I can grab.

I was warned that there is not many position in the industry that I want to enter and I convinced myself that I can still do it. That's why I made my channel, to prove my worth. I made videos using 2 giant pieces of cloth bought from Lincraft. I own a DLSR camera since I know it's one step closer to good quality content but at the same time, I can't afford the programs they expect me to use. I can't afford AVID, I have absolutely no idea how to use After Effects and Wordpress is still a giant issue for me. I want to learn these things but I can't access the free membership in

So I'm still lost.

I feel that my passions should just be forgotten and that I should let them go. I mean, they want other people but me, besides the fact that I create amazing things out of my ipad, made a hashtag trend of a short time and stuff like that.

I just wish there is just someone out there who saw my stuff and is willing to lend me a hand or a job or a recommendation or something. But until then, I just have to keep applying to these jobs who wants someone else for the role.

And if I do get the interview, I have to get used to wearing a stupid skirt and boots just too look appealing, only to get rejected for stupid reasons.

My name is Cutiejea and this has been my Life out of the Camera.

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