I want to give up... but I can’t because it’s mandatory.

NOTE: Not naming the company or anything else due to legal reason (and i don't want to be hunted down). And if you are going to take this post down, take down Evan Edinger's Vlog about his failed job interviews first then go talk to me.

Sup guys, Cutiejea here

I'm now at an all time low now (Not referencing the band... I'm just feeling upset). Why you may ask. I just now realised that my dreams and goals are probably never ever gonna come true and if it did... well, I may have to leave the country or something. IDK... I'm just feeling a bit negative.

You see, last month, I posted how time was moving really fast for me since I have internship interview and I'm about to reach second semester of university and stuff like that but life decided to press the breaks for me and I didn't get the internship... or even get interviewed for that matter.

Yes, the company that wanted to interview me... they canceled 1 HOUR before the interview. Why? Because at 1:25, the person saw me with my dad and thought 'oh she doesn't look independent, let's cancel on her!' (BTW, my interview starts at 3pm). So at 2pm when I'm at KFC with my dad and brother, I got a text and call saying that they found someone already. My dad thought it was not fair that he decided to text the company.

That's when we discovered that it was because he came with me when WE WERE FINDING OUT WHERE IT WAS!!! It's not like my dad will enter with me, we we're just finding out where it was.

From that point, I felt too upset to do things. I was at my part-time job and I got extra shifts due to people quitting and one is a co-worker who is gonna have a part time job in a finance company (which accommodates to her course). I have a uni classmate who also got a part time job. And my cousin got an internship in a hospital since it's part of his course.

I guess everyone is getting long term paid/beneficial experiences while for me, I'm stuck doing volunteer work which I don't mind doing but I can't just be doing volunteer work forever.
What’s worse is that Internships are mandatory in my university so I fear I can’t graduate due to this.

If I compare my life with my cousins and the people around me who are at the same age as me, it shows that I'm way left behind... like way back. My channel isn't getting anywhere, no one wants to accept me (and I applied to nearly 30 jobs) and by this point, I feel like giving up.

I don't want to give up thou since I love doing what I do but I'm 18, I need to get paid or at least have long-term experience based on my skills, not picking up small scraps of jobs that I can grab.

I was warned that there is not many position in the industry that I want to enter and I convinced myself that I can still do it. That's why I made my channel, to prove my worth. I made videos using 2 giant pieces of cloth bought from Lincraft. I own a DLSR camera since I know it's one step closer to good quality content but at the same time, I can't afford the programs they expect me to use. I can't afford AVID, I have absolutely no idea how to use After Effects and Wordpress is still a giant issue for me. I want to learn these things but I can't access the free membership in Linda.com.

So I'm still lost.

I feel that my passions should just be forgotten and that I should let them go. I mean, they want other people but me, besides the fact that I create amazing things out of my ipad, made a hashtag trend of a short time and stuff like that.

I just wish there is just someone out there who saw my stuff and is willing to lend me a hand or a job or a recommendation or something. But until then, I just have to keep applying to these jobs who wants someone else for the role.

And if I do get the interview, I have to get used to wearing a stupid skirt and boots just too look appealing, only to get rejected for stupid reasons.

My name is Cutiejea and this has been my Life out of the Camera.

Moving too Fast

Sup lovely people, Cutiejea here!

This month, lots of things are happening... like a lot. AND IT'S HAPPENING TOO FAST!!!

For starters, TATINOF is happening in Australia this August and as admin for Phandom Aus/NZ on Twitter and Tumblr, we got a lot of questions and people literally expect us to answer all the questions. We managed to give the best advice thou.

Also... we made #RowPals a trend for a short time

Another is that I'm about to enter second semester of University so god knows what's gonna happen to me and my future. I saw one of my subjects and I got near credit for it! Which is really cool in my book!

Third is that I got an internship interview and I got accepted to do volunteer cinematographer work for Smash (the Anime convention). And I'm soo excited since I'm about to get some experience... except it's for free (BUT IM GETTING PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE!!!)

So many things are so many going on with my life that it's all happening too fast.

This is really cool but also really scary.

The reason for that is the fact that I'm scared that I may not be ready for all this change. I'm just a kid (well, technically 18 years old so an adult) but I'm going to face my future and adulthood in a really fast pace that it scares me that I may screw up, that I'm doing too many things. I just want things to slow down.

This was me when I got my VIP ticket and I'm still surprised I managed to get one:

People both offline and online think I have potential and that I'm very reliable and stuff and I'm cool with that. People thank me for working late hours and working hard just to get stuff done and I'm happy to do that. But the main question is... when was the last time I had a break?

One of my greatest wishes besides meeting my heroes and passing uni and hopefully moving out (sorry family), is to be able to have a break from everything for at least a week, which never happened. Just one week of doing whatever I want. No Phandom Aus/NZ, no work, no school, no parents nagging... just me and my laptop with internet where I can catch up on whatever I want.

Unfortunately, that's too much to ask and it will never happen. Well, it was close from happening if I was permitted to go to Vidcon 2016. The plan was go to USA for a week for Vidcon and other stuff like sightseeing and stuff. No parents, no chaos, just me and what I have for a 1 week break of life itself.

But I guess that's too much to wish for I guess which I quite understand... since once again, I'm just a kid.

But yeah, I still yearn for that 1 week break from life.

My name is Cutiejea and this has been my Life Out of the Camera

PS: D-3 Section 4!!! (and i accidentally got 2 gold tickets so that means my mum is coming with me!)

My Anonymous Phase

Note, everything here is based on opinion and expression. If you take me down, then you are proving the point of this post.

So... you know how when something bad happens to you, you go through an 'anger' stage where you will do/think something that will count as 'revenge' or 'fighting back' from the source of said anger? For me, this may sound weird but there was a time where I was considering joining Anonymous... or just support them in any way possible.

If you don't know, anonymous is this hacking group where they try to bring justice and equality to society, stopping the '1% who play God without permission' (Mr Robot, 2015). They are not a government party but an idea according to them. Basically, they want to restore balance to society as everything is filled with conflict and inequality like poverty and the unfair law system (according to them).

And you may be asking, why the [bleep] do I want to join anonymous? Why does someone like me want to be involved in this 'idea'? And how the heck did I ever heard of this group of people wearing 'V for Vendetta' Masks? 

The reasons begins when I was forced to delete my channel.

That one reason brought me not only to my 'depression / my life is over' phase but I was awakened by the injustice the people who were involved to take me down just because I had a voice. I was expressing myself through my rants and vlogs about my life and the fact that I was forced to delete my most popular videos then my channel and it got me really upset. One of the videos I was forced to put down was a video about 'Why I hated my preliminary exams' as SiTC 2014 was happening, TRXYE by Troye Sivan and 'Better Late than Never' by Stuck in Your Radio has been released ON THE SAME DAY and Season 8 of Doctor Who just premiered on TV! That's basically it, besides the fact I ranted about how hard my subjects are. Another video I was forced to take down was me singing 'Narda' by Kamikazee during an event 'on location' and lastly, I was forced to take down a video about how you give revenge to your ex by showing you are better off without him during the healing process. Yes... I was forced to take down this HARMLESS video for the vulnerable people on Valentines day, motivating them to not be miserable.

By this point, you should have a clue on who forced me to take down my channel. These people told me that doing this 'can ruin my reputation' or 'make me not have a job' and I have to 'suck up and accept the whole thing'. I want to point out that there are famous youtubers doing the same thing and they have like millions of subscribers. 

These people took my character the wrong way and forced me to take down my videos. My rants are similar to Danisnotonfire mashed up with I Hate Everything but they took everything literally and got really offensive. I told this to my peer group and there was a divide on who is right and wrong.

This memory still haunts me whenever I view my 'about' page in my YouTube channel as I'm no longer a legacy user.

I first went emo. I've been listening to Muse, My Chemical Romance, Panic! At the Disco and Fall Out Boy constantly. I was very upset at school that if someone mentions what happened, I would end up 'blowing up', telling them to shut up as I can tell they have a part on taking me down (or just blantly accuse them)

But then I heard about Anonymous and how their goal is to restore order for the voice with no voice, with no power... and I am one of those people with no power during my fragile moments. I was treated unequally for injustice reasons. I was forced to remain silent till I graduate and finish HSC and for that... I can't say what I want to feel because 'I will be hunted down and thrown my ass in jail!' (Pyscho, Muse, 2014).

I know Anonymous is more on stopping the government but their main goal is stopping oppression to the 99% with no voice... and I want part of that. I wanted to fight back with the torment I was given during my darkest hour.

To me... Anonymous was my hope as I was already tired with the rules that I was forced to follow. (Yeah... I have a dark side).

But I know I have no chance in being in this group because I have no idea how to hack, heck, I don't even know how to code in my Tumblr page for pete sakes. 

So as usual, that idea is to me 'something that I would consider in an alternate timeline'. But recently, I just watched this TV show called 'Mr Robot' due to a university assignment and watching that brought back memories of me wanting to support the group.

Maybe this poster will help explain why:

Mr Robot is about this guy named Eliot who is a hacker who was chosen by this hacker group called F Society (this is the actual name, I'm not censoring anything here). The goal, take down E Corp (or Evil Corp) through hacking their systems and destroying their backups so that they can take down the 1% who play God without permission.

When I first saw this, my first impression was 'Ooh, the guy is bug eyed'... I'm not joking, here is the ACTUAL Facebook convo I had when discussing about this:

I watched the entire season 1 in 3 days (#suchprocrastination) but knowing their motives and the story and everything else, it brought me back to that phase of defying the people in control cuz... f*** society. And Mr Robot wasn't the first who made me express my anger of society, Muse's album 'Drones' was like a drug for me. I've been listening to all of their songs in that album (along with a few others) as the songs are about defying order. The 2015 film Straight Out of Compton also triggered this as its about how their 'art' is being threatened by the authorities. I even got in to My Chemical Romance due to the same reasons. The songs that I constantly listen from them are Destroya, I'm Not Ok, Welcome to the Black Parade, Teenagers and Kids From Yesterday.

Can you see the connections here? All are about defying order, being yourself no matter how many push and take you down, breaking the rules due to it's injustice.

What I'm saying is that, I'm not part of Anonymous, I don't think I'm worthy to be part of them but their motives on breaking social order and rebuilding it for the little people is something I support. I'm tired of being shut down for having a voice and an opinion. Just because I said one thing doesn't mean I'm that, this is just me expressing how I cope from being annoyed with the bullshit treatment I was given.

So  I will repeat this, everything here is based on opinion and expression. If you take me down, then you are proving the point of this post.

Am I the only one who felt like this? Were there times when you questioned the system and authority? Oh well.

So my name is Cutiejea and this has been my Life out of the Camera!

My Name is Cutiejea

Hello Lovely People,

First post... I could talk about April fools but I'm doing a Phandom tradition if we can re-create 2013...

Due to my lack of followers... You can see why it may not be happening....

So I just want to talk about my username... Cutiejea.

What is a Cutiejea? Why that? And why the hell am I blogging about this if I made a video based on this topic? Well... The username process was way longer than than what I mentioned. I was pretty subborn when I was young and I hated the idea of not changing the name cuz lets face it... I was like 7 or 8 years old and I dont want that to stick when I'm like 20 years old. 

So why the hell did i decided to stick with it?

Well... Club Penguin was the first MMO I've ever played and the fact that they can't see my face is both a good and bad thing (although... Due to instagram and youtube, you now know how I exactly look like). The plan was to have 'Pinkjea' as my username but back in OLD SCHOOL Club Penguin, pink is more likely fuchsia and due to my young age... you can see why I didnt go through with it.

To be honest, it was my cousin who suggested Cutiejea. Back then... I was uber cute but due to aging and stress... That was gone but when I was a little kid, me being shy or crying or even my RARE smile can equalise to cuteness.

'Jea' is a family secret and when I mean family secret... There is no way in hell you will know... Unless you marry me or something.

So why did I stick with this username? This happened due to Minecraft. I bought it about a month before the full release and when i went to this multiplayer server, there was this shop and one bed equals 4 coal. But i got it for 3 coal and the players behind me were really mad cuz they had to pay more. 

I just realised that the reason why some small server admins give me special treatment is due to the gender of my avatar. My username isnt like some phony username that a dude would use cuz he wants to troll people, its something an ACTUALL girl would use. My avatar skin back then was Yui from the anime 'Angel Beats' and it was really cute that it matched the username.

So basically... This username is proof that I'm not some boy on the internet. So the username sticks.

It sometimes sucks though cuz in real life, cute is the ONLY adjective my peers gives to me so its kinda sad that my online life sometimes clashes with my real life... Due to one adjective.

And come on... How is this image not cute:

So... Hope that gives this username that perspective!

Cutiejea out!